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We all use our senses to experience our world and describe it to others. We tell others how we see things, whether things sound right to us, and how we feel about things.

In Neuro Linguistic Programming NLP training we teach that everyone has one sensory system which they prefer to the others. This is often referred to as the “preferred representational system”.

For example, suppose Michael prefers his visual system. You are having a conversation with Michael and he says: “I was on vacation in Greece, it was just beautiful there, the sun was so bright reflecting off the sea, and the sunsets! I can see how people fall in love with the place. I can certainly picture myself going back.”

If you are using active listening, but prefer kinesthetic (feeling) language, you might say to him: “So you went to Greece on vacation. The sun was warm, the evenings mild. You felt yourself falling in love with the place, and you’re drawn to return.”

Afterwards, Michael might say about you: “yes he appears to be a nice guy, but we didn’t really see eye to eye.” So it is important when sharing views with a visual person, to see things his way using visual language. When speaking with an auditory person, to talk use auditory language. And when dealing with a kinesthetic (or feeling) person to make him feel good using kinesthetic language.

So how do we know what kind of person we are dealing with? Here are some clues:

The words which they use:

• A visual person will say: I see what you mean; My vision is; That looks good; Things look bright.
• An auditory person will say: I hear you; that sounds right; We should talk about that.
• A kinesthetic person will say: I have a weight on my shoulders; That feels right; Tread carefully.

Their eye movements (these are general rules only):

• If they look up they may be visual
• If their eyes stay at eye level, or look down to the LEFT they may be auditory
• If they look down to the RIGHT they may be kinesthetic.

Their physiology:

• If they have an erect shoulders back posture, they may be visual
• If they tilt their head as if listening, or adopt a “telephone posture” they may be auditory
• If they slouch they may be kinesthetic.

Their breathing and speed of speech:

• If they breath high in their chest and speak quickly they may be visual
• If they breath in mid chest and speak clearly at mid-rate they may be auditory
• If they breath deeply and speak slowly they may be kinesthetic.

• Note that speed of speech can also be governed by where they are from, for example people from the South East of the U.S. are noted for speaking more slowly that those from the North East. Make sure you compare their rate of speech with what is “normal” for their peers.

Knowing the type of person you are speaking with, you can then begin to match your own words, eye movements, posture, breathing and speed of speech to theirs. This will increase rapport.

We teach these are other techniques on our NLP training and hypnosis training in New York.